Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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