I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
