I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
