Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
