When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize