I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
