if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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