i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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