He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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