i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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