They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
