God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
