College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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