is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
