I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
