there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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