She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
