just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
