The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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