oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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