8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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