Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
