the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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