There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
