I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
