I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The beer is more important than you right now.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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