I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
