Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
They are going to name an STD after you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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