I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
