I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
