Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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