I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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