so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my phone needs a breathalizer
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
