Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
