I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
