Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
