when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
