I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
