I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
