I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
