I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize