i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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