Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
