All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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