he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am one with the molecules
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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