What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
