I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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