Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
