just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
