I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
