I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
