I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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