Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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