we made out on top of his cat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
