Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
