Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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