I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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