I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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