I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
