YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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